First, let me apologize for taking so long to respond. It’s been a very busy month.

I wish I could give you a straightforward answer to this question, but it’s so difficult. We’re all different and how we respond to these situations – externally and internally – is also very unique. As a child, whenever I got hit with this type of question or comment, I generally gave some answer my parents and siblings helped me with. Honestly, I didn’t always understand what exactly it was I was saying or why, but I can tell you that each time I was asked about why I was different – why I didn’t have the same skin colour as my parents or my siblings; where did I come from; who are my real parents blah blah blah ad nauseam… I felt like my entire soul had shattered. I walked away with my head held as high as possible, but inside my jello legs could barely carry me somewhere I felt safe.

Your child needs to be shown by example how to respond. When you stand up for your child, she will learn to stand up for herself and feel empowered. She should also know it’s OK not to respond to these stupid questions. There is never an obligation to respond to these types of questions. Even as an adult, I get this all of the time – where are you from orginally; do you speak Vietnamese; do you have any family in Vietnam; do you want to try to find them etc. and I often answer each question as honestly and openly as possible and I feel good about it. However, there are days when I answer as I always do and feel later that I shouldn’t have. Their ’simple’ questions are emotionally draining for me. I have to learn to take my own advice and walk away – figuratively or literally – when I don’t feel up to talking about it.

In closing, I think it’s vital to inform the person – child or adult – that their question is not appropriate and is not acceptable whether or not you decide to answer them. How do we do this?  I guess we can just say something like “that question is in appropriate” or “that’s private” or “I don’t care to discuss it right now” or even respond by asking them something just as personal to make a point. So, yes… I think the most important thing is to be able to recognize within yourself and by taking cues from your child when you want to share and when you need to walk away.

Here’s our next question!

Our son had uncorrected clubfeet when we adopted him from China last year.  I’m getting tired of hearing about how “lucky” he is and how “good” we are for adopting him.  Admittedly, his feet would most likely not have been treated in China and life would have been much harder for him, but on the balance we are by far the lucky ones for having him in our lives.
 
What are your thoughts on the frequent “He’s so lucky” and “You’re so good” discussions that come up from well intentioned strangers and friends?  I’m worried he’ll hear it enough he’ll start to believe it and feel he’s got something he needs to live up to.

This is soooo tricky.

Part of me wants to say, let her lead the way. Let her guide the response. But, I also know that in my own life, by four or five I was all too aware of my difference in the world, and never told my parents about the teasing/questions/harassment I endured. So, I urge you to respond. Make her feel safe and protected. It’s easy to brush things off as “ignorance” or advocate silence as a way of “not sinking down to their level”. But that’s a flawed philosophy, because it denies your daughter the space to feel hurt or angry or confused. It denies her the chance to stand up for herself, to fight back. We’re talking about racism here, not some petty misunderstanding from folks who “just don’t know better”. Teach your daughter that people shouldn’t say things like that to her. That she shouldn’t have to be made to feel bad about being Chinese or adopted, or both.

I’m still working on the best way to talk about these things. And the truth is, there probably isn’t any one thing you can do or say that will soothe the pain. But please, respond. And teach your daughter to respond. You wouldn’t teach her to tolerate sexist comments from kids on the playground, so why ignore racially motivated ones? It seems to me that because Asians are portrayed as the model-minority and put into a racial “grey area”, people are unsure about what it means to make fun of Asian characteristics. But let there be no doubt in your mind – jokes about slanted eyes, yellow skin, dog-eating, “ching chong” language or any of the other usual suspects are RACIST, and should be addressed as such.

I’m glad to hear that you’re educating yourself about how to deal with these things from adults. One thing I think is helpful is to know about Asian American History, as well as current events. Chinese Exclusion, Japanese Internment, Vincent Chin: they may have happened decades or a hundred years ago, but they still shape the ways that Asians are perceived, portrayed and treated. And things are still happening today that only prove how far we are yet to come.

Probably the hardest thing about growing up the only Asian kid in a white family, and one of three kids of color in my entire elementary school was that I had no role models, no one to look up to. In any sense. There were few Asian characters in TV, movies or books (and the ones that were there often relied heavily on stereotypes) and all of my teen magazines promoted a standard of beauty that I could never attain, simply by the nature of my skin tone, face shape, eye folds, hair color, etc. If a local/regional adoptee organization had some sort of mentorship program, I would definitely try to get involved. Even intermittent contact with an adoptee – someone who looks like you, someone who has been hurt in the same way, someone who is there to legitimize your daughter’s feelings on a level that you never will be able to to – could be extremely beneficial.

Whew. That was a mouthful. The bottom line is that this is hard. There’s a lot more I could have enumerated here. And it all adds up to a situation with the potential for your daughter to feel alone. But the most important thing is to keep an open line of communication about it. Support her. Defend her. Never question the way she feels – you aren’t living this, she is.

I think it’s important to remember that most of the time young kids just want to know why the other person looks different. Kids usually don’t need long drawn out answers…just a basic explanation. Growing up I was called names and rude questions were asked, but I always seemed to handle it. My mom taught me to stand up for myself & have a basic answer ready, but also to be careful not to assume someone was being racist until I knew true intentions.

In my own experience…people are curious because 5′8 1/2 & Korean. I still get asked (about once a month) where I’m originally from etc. For me…part of this whole experience is being comfortable in my own skin so to speak…so when strangers stop and ask me questions about why I’m so tall or why my skin is so light for being Korean…I just say the truth.  Granted…if I’m really annoyed then sometimes my answer isn’t as patient.  However, in my experience I’ve learned many of the people were not intending to be rude.  So…I tend to look at it more like a chance to educate them.

When kids are young…I believe education is the key. For example, my daughter always has some type of “cultural celebration” each year in school. This gives me a chance to go into her classroom and teach the kids about Korea. This has been extremely successful each year and has helped K. be proud of her heritage, which I give equal time to teach about Germany…K’s part German.

Hi everyone.

Sorry for the delay in my blog posts. School has started here, and it’s taken me a little while to get settled. But, I should be back on track now.

Our next question:

My daughter was born in China and was adopted by my husband and myself at 11 1/2 months.  She has been part of our family for almost 2 years now.

I have been trying to educated myself on dealing with ignorant questions from adults and her peer group as she gets into the school system.  However, I have been getting questions from very young children, and I am really caught off guard by this.  I know children are young and want to learn, but I do not want to hurt my daughter’s feelings by answering questions in front of her, so I am looking for advice.

Two situations:
1.  A 5 year old girl was playing with my daughter at the park, and while she was pushing her in the swing, she looked at me and asked where did I live.  After I told her, she asked where my daughter lived.  I explained with me that she was my daughter.  She did not understand how we did not look alike or what adoption was.  I did the best I could to answer questions about adoption, but I have to admit this made me a little uncomfortable talking about this in front of my daughter.  How do you answer innocent questions without hurting your daughter or talking about her life so matter of factly?
2.  A 7 yr old boy was playing with my daughter.  He looked at her and then at us, and said to her “hey, you look Chinese”.  She looked right back at him and said “I AM”, and kept right on talking to him and playing with him until he left.  I asked if she had any questions or wanted to talk about anything, and she said “No Mama”.  Although I was very proud of her, I also could see that she was  troubled by this type of question coming out of the blue.

I realize that there are always going to be ignorant questions, I just did not think an almost 3yo would have to deal with them so early.

Any advice for how to handle children’s as well as adult’s questions would be apprecaited.  Also, I would love to hear some of your “pat” answers to these types of questions.

I totally agree with the comments left by Juli & Heather and only have a bit to add.  I also had my set answers that were taught to me by my parents.  To this day…people ask really intrusive & rude questions about my family.  Questions I would never dream of asking them, but they still continue to ask me.  I do have my “blanket” answers.  I have to laugh at one of the examples Juli gave about being asked about “being married to your husband” because it happens to me & my dad when we go out alone!

I believe it’s imperative as adoptive parents to help your child through all the questions & learn to speak up for them when needed.  They will learn through your example & how you decide to handle each situation.  You really do become a sort of advocate for your child. Racism should never be tolerated & must be addressed.

Dealing with questions like these are practically a daily event for me – even now in my mid-30s. Some days, depending on the person, the question and my mood, I take the time to talk and “educate”. Other days I simply give one word answers, like “no” (I don’t know who my “real” parents are) and leave it alone. But this is a luxury afforded to me as an adult. I had to go through a lot to get to this point and I can easily admit that some days I still come home exhausted and frustrated, not to mention amazed, by some people. For you as a parent, I think it’s vital that you are a constant advocate for your daughter (of course), but it’s even more vital when she is adopted and a different race than yourself and the rest of her family. She will feel  different and awkward in her own skin without any help from outside, ignorant forces (of which there are many). It’s up to you and the rest of your family to work against those forces.

From my experience, you can do this in any number of ways depending on the situation, such as humour, educating with facts, or simply stating that the information they are requesting is none of their business or doing things like asking them about their private history. There seems to be a natural inclination among people to ask inappropriate questions of adoptees and their families and this is not acceptable. I think ultimately, you should prepare rote answers to some questions so you can empower yourself, your daughter and the rest of your family. There will always be crazy questions out there that no one can prepare for, but if you have some prepared answers, it might help save you from punching someone out in the grocery store queue. She needs to have this language just as much as you do and so you need to take the time to talk with her about this keeping age appropriateness in mind. And no matter how you deal with each individual situation, it’s important that you talk it over each time to varying degrees so that she is able to express her feelings on some level about these times. When I was growing up and someone would ask me a stupid question or make a racial slur, I would answer to the best of my ability by giving some answer I had learned from my parents and siblings or by just walking away.  I usually felt strong for about 2 seconds. Later, without exception, I would cry, feeling alone, angry and confused.

So did the advice I just give work for me, you may ask! Well, yes, it did. But it’s a process – one that is never over. At different ages you and your daughter will experience different types of racism, stereotypes and questions and it’s important that you’re all prepared for them as best as possible. They will want to know how much she cost, comment that “they’re” such cute children, and wonder if she’s good at math or playing the piano. She will be objectified and the fetishized; she will be told how lucky it is that she like the “rest of them” all look so young even when they’re old.

It’s important to remember that “positive” racial stereotypes are still racism and can’t be tolerated. It’s not good enough to just have Asian friends, not tell or laugh at racist jokes, or live in diverse areas. To fight for your daughter’s rights is to also be an example – an advocate of justice and rights for all in both words and actions. Be inclusive in your advocacy and this is one of the best lessons your daughter will learn from you.

This is sort of the question that has plagued my childhood life. People will ask all sorts of obnoxious questions and assume that they’re entitled to an answer just because you’re adopted, young, a person of color, etc. This is a complex issue, and while I encourage you to view it holistically, I am going to focus on the racial issues at work.

I really do believe that race is at work here. Not being a domestic, non-transracial adoptee, I can’t know for sure what it’s like, or what the specific difficulties they face are. But I will say, that when you look “foreign”, you’re already at an automatic disadvantage. There’s a lot less sensitivity. People will tell you how “backwards” your birth nation is, relate some details of infanticide they picked up from a Barbara Walters special and then start to interrogate you about everything from your abandonment to language ability to finding your birth mother to my personal favorite, “aren’t you lucky to be chosen like that?”

Moments like these have the potential as great “teaching moments”. However, I know that personally, I rarely have the stamina. And furthermore, it’s hard to start these conversations without some sort of ally. That’s where you come in.

You daughter needs to learn early on that this kind of questioning is not okay. Otherwise in ten years she’ll end up in tears while her fourth grade teacher publicly drills her about why she was abandoned, whether or not she wants to find her birth mother and if she feels any different from her siblings. And, she won’t tell you about it after the fact, because you’ve never given her any indication that it’s okay to be upset by questions like that. True story.

You need to learn to be an anti-racist parent. That means a lot of self-education, and not being afraid to tell people off the truth.

You have to be ready for the worst. When she hits her teen years, and you’re not around, people will ask her if she’s married to your husband. People will comment on her “chinky” eyes. They will stereotype, exoticize and fetishize her in every way possible. People will accuse her of things, people will assume things about her. And you have to stand up for her – even when it’s hard. Even when it’s a neighbor, a family member, a co-worker. You have to make people realize that racism is not acceptable, and that they can’t get away with talking about your daughter or people who look like her that way.

Of course, these things are insidious, and unavoidable. They leave wounds that only time will heal. Your love and support is important – but I know that for myself, it wasn’t until I was able to relate these experiences to people who had also lived them that I was able to properly see them as instances of racism, and realize that I was not to blame.

I’m trying to come up with some good resources for aparents related to anti-racism. There will be a link appearing soon, I have a lot of reading ahead of me.

Our next question comes to us from Susan:

My husband and I have a beautiful and intelligent 3 year old daughter from China. We brought her home at 13 months old. Even before we brought her home, the questions from strangers began and has only gotten more frequent, intrusive, and demanding. “Why China? Why not the US? Why do you want one of those babies, you know what they grow up to be like don’t you? What is her nationality? Where are her real parents? Why didn’t they want her? Don’t they kill girls in China? Do they not love their babies in China? Is she one of those foreign babies? Where is she from? Does she speak Chinese or English?” These are just some of the questions I hear on a daily basis. I know there are many people who mean well when they ask questions. I love it when a grandparent comes up to me and whispers “Is she from China?” When I say yes, they tell me their grand child is from China(or another country)also and we talk for a few minutes. I don’t mind when someone asks me what agency we used because they are interested in adoption as well. I will give them my email and our agencies name. I don’t like it when people ask me stupid questions especially in front of my daughter.

So my questions are, do you have any advice on how to handle this especially when my daughter is present? Did this happen to you as a child? How did your parents handle it and do you wish they had handled it differently? A total stranger has no right to any information about my child’s past. My daughter doesn’t even know her history yet so why should I inform a total stranger of anything? They feel like they are entitled to an answer just because they asked. I am committed to doing everything I can to help my daughter. I want to show her how to handle these type situations when she is older and being pressed for information she shouldn’t have been asked for in the first place. Thanks so much for taking my question.