Thanks for asking this question – I think, for me, I really just need to clarify my earlier post. I do think it’s important that you do what you can on your end to facilitate a search for your child. You’re right – in 30 years it may prove very complicated. That may be just contact with the birth mother / family via a phone number. However, it could also mean becoming friendly with them on your own. And, by keeping the dialogue open with your child, you will be ready to help open doors. Of course, if you do develop a relationship with your child’s birth family it’s important that your child knows a little about this.

With regard to the domestic versus international adoptions: I believe that if, and that’s a big if, adoptions must be – then domestic is better than international. Of course there are a lot of pros and cons to each. However, a lot of the issues surrounding culture and identity with regard to international, transracial adoptions are minimized with domestic adoptions (transracial or not). I don’t know if they’re emotionally easier, but certainly the idea of searching, keeping your mother tongue (most of the time) and  understanding cultural backgrounds are easier to some extent. Adopting regionally helps keep another important human right – the right to know and live in the area of your birth. And as an added bonus for both of you, there also tends to be less “isn’t (s)he so lucky” and “how much did (s)he cost” sorts of comments, which is always a positive.

Here in Canada, most people adopt internationally because it’s faster and there’s more likelihood of getting an infant or toddler rather than by domestic adoptions where the wait is longer and the children older with more “problems”, not to mention image, trends, and the no less misguided need to feel like a humanitarian.

Domestic adoptions in Canada are a provincial / territorial responsibility and even further broken up into regions. So this obviously raises a lot of bureaucratic and organizational problems. It’s my understanding there is a lack of severe communication between regions making the process long and full of headaches and heartaches. That’s a major issue that needs to be addressed.

And while I can understand an Aparent’s desire to adopt an infant or very young child, it doesn’t mean that the adoption will be a smooth, happily ever after experience. Many adoptees have attachment and emotional issues, for example,  even when adopted as an infant. And not all older adoptees will be “delinquents” either. It’s a gamble we take no matter how you choose to become a parent – whether by giving birth, sperm donor, or domestic or international adoption. The most important thing is to have resources at your fingertips and a support system for all of you.

I’m sorry this is late! Classes start next week, so I’ve been very busy at work, plus organizing meetings and retreats!

Anyway, in response: I don’t really have much to add. I think that as we’ve said before, this is a journey. And everyone’s experience is different. It can’t be forced, and in particular, it is not your place as parent to push anyone. If they approach you, you can be a facilitator, but until then, keep your distance and respect their process.

I know that for me personally, the first thing everyone asks me is do I want to search. My whole life, as long as I can remember, even as a very young child – everyone asked, did I want to find my birth mother. And of course, they never wanted my real answer, which is as long, complicated and emotional as the process itself. They just wanted to hear: “No, these are my only/real/true parents, and that’s all I’ll ever need, blah blah blah.” Or something equally…misguided. So for much of my youth, I wanted nothing to do with the question of searching, because if I actually thought about it, I might actually have to give someone a straight answer. And I might not be ready for that.

I still don’t know whether or not I’ll ever do it. Lately, I’ve been getting curious, mostly about half-siblings, but I still have more concerns, fears and anxieties than I do curiosity. It may happen some day, but it also may not. It’s not a question of being “ready” for the search, so much as whether or not searching is “right” for me. I don’t think the final goal is a search. It doesn’t mean you’re any more “advanced” than adoptees who choose not to search. So, don’t sit around waiting for your kids to want to search. It may never happen – and that’s totally fine

For my own experience…my search didn’t begin with my parents initiating that conversation. However, I always knew that was an option open to me & they’d be supportive. They never pushed and I am glad they didn’t. I think I would have felt strange and uncomfortable if they kept bring up that possibility. As you might have read…this year I finally did decide to conduct a search, but I’m in my thirties. It took me a LONG time to come to that decision and it wasn’t easy. I personally view my adoptive parents as my parents and it has taken me a while to sort of wrap my brain around the idea that I have this other mother that for whatever reason couldn’t/didn’t want me. I…personally have appreciated the space my parents have given me in allowing me to decide when/what/and if I even wanted to do a search.

I think it’s great that you’re encouraging your kids to search. That’s not an easy thing to do and I hope that some day the birth mother you found will be open to a relationship some day. As for the other child, I wouldn’t push. If your close relationship continues into adulthood then he / she will know that you are supportive of whatever they choose. Finding birth parents is good for some kids but maybe not for others and it all happens at different times in our lives because we’re all unique. Nobody likes to be pushed or feel pressured into something even if it is for positive reasons. You can tell them that you will support their decisions now and in the future, no matter what, and that will be remembered, I’m sure.

Margie asks:

My children are both from Korea and are now teens.  Our son is in college and our daughter is a senior in high school.  We have a close and open relationship is very open, so discussions of first family, search, and reunion have always been a part of our family.  My husband and I have encouraged our kids to search, have found one of our children’s mothers, although contact has been rejected at this time.  One of our children, however, has had no interest in search, and has been resistant to encouragement.  My question is this:  Do you believe that adoptive parents should step entirely away from the subject of search when their children reach adulthood, or should we continue to bring it up in discussion from time to time?  I worry that if we stop talking about our children’s first families with them that they might think we no longer support them in search.  On the other hand, I worry that voicing our opinions might be an intrusion.  Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this.

I think it’s admirable and brave of you to want your daughter to have an open relationship with her birth mother. Many aparents can’t fathom such a move. It takes a lot of guts. I like your idea of leaving a letter and perhaps keeping your information as updated as possible with various organizations over the years so that your daughter and her birth mother can search when they’re ready. I don’t think it’s your place to push anything here. It’s really not up to you. As difficult as it may seem, it really is your daughter’s choice even if she waits until she’s in her 30s – which does seem to be when a lot of adoptees begin to search if at all.

For me, looking back…sure, I would have loved a relationship with my birth mother, but that’s in hindsight only. But then again, I probably would chose not to have been adopted, either, but that is just one thing in life we have no control over. I think at the time, it would have been very confusing – but ultimately very rewarding. This is a question I get constantly – “Do you know your real mother? Do you ever want to find your real mother” etc. Well, sure, I’d love to know my birth family, but each day gets easier for me to accept that this is possibly an unsurmountable task and I guess I’d rather learn to accept that and be happy in the life that I have rather than set myself up for huge disappointment.

That said, this is how I feel today. Tomorrow may very well be a completely story, especially as my “birth day” nears I have a great sense of loss and many questions that I’d love to air with my birth mother. Of course, then again, I think it’s better just to let my imagination rule my reality with this.

And all that is precisely why this has to be a decision for your daughter.