I see your point and that could be an option, but he may or may not want to ever meet his birth parents.  In any case you would have already done the “leg work” so to speak.  As long as the birth parents knew that it was up to your son to ultimately decide if he wanted a relationship or not…I don’t really see any issue.  I have friends on both sides…some have conducted searches and other are not interested at all.

Another question dealing with birth parent searches:

I have a follow-up question on the birth parent search issue.  I, too,
have been thinking about ways to open our adoption a bit more on
behalf of my 3-year-old son.  I noticed that each respondent said that
the decision of whether or not to have birth family contact should be
up to the child.

My question is, doesn’t waiting 15 or 30 years remove the choice
somewhat?  It seems that, if I am able to contact my son’s birth
family and maintain some level of contact with them over the years,
then my son truly does have a choice about whether or not he wants to
have contact with them as he grows older.  If we wait to pursue a
birth parent search, it may be impossible to find his birth family,
effectively leaving him WITHOUT a choice to have contact.  Or am I
misreading this somehow?

I also wonder how your respondents feel about the suggestions from the
domestic adoption community that open adoptions are ultimately
healthier for children and their identity formation.

This is a tricky question. There are a million factors that make everyone’s situation unique. I think it’s important to remember that the ultimate choice about contact is between your child and her birth mother. Respecting the birth mother’s desires and privacy are of the utmost importance. Small measures, like putting a letter in your daughter’s file are probably benign, but leaving something for her at the place she stayed feels uncomfortable to me. You don’t want her to feel pursued or haunted.

For me personally, I struggle with the decision about doing a search. On some level, I think I’m afraid of bringing pain back into her life, and I’m also afraid of being judged by her. I’ve heard stories on both ends of the spectrum about birth parent searches, so my anxiety is well founded. My parents are pretty indifferent – I think they figure that I am an adult, and once I make my decision there won’t be much they can do about it. I don’t really remember ever having a desire to find my birth mother in my childhood, so I can’t say whether or not they were supportive.

I do, however, think that I will eventually do a search because I am really desperate to know if I have half-siblings. I’m the youngest in my adoptive family, so I think it would be great to be the older, wiser sibling to someone. I almost wish that I could find my siblings without having to find my birth mother. There are some things there that I’m just not ready to unbury.

I think you have to let contact/birth mother searches generate naturally. I think there is something about the search process (which can be long and arduous) that prepares you for the emotional rollercoaster of actually finding your birth family. I almost want to say that it’s better that way. I mean, if the first time your daughter has an inkling of wanting to find her mother you whip out a letter from her, it might be too much too soon. I know it doesn’t intuitively make sense, but it’s just something I feel in my gut.

Another thing to keep in mind is that I’ve had some friends who had really great experiences finding their foster mothers, which I’m told is an easier process anyway. For me, I feel a stronger connection to my foster mother than i do to my birth mother and would be really interested in meeting her.