This is soooo tricky.

Part of me wants to say, let her lead the way. Let her guide the response. But, I also know that in my own life, by four or five I was all too aware of my difference in the world, and never told my parents about the teasing/questions/harassment I endured. So, I urge you to respond. Make her feel safe and protected. It’s easy to brush things off as “ignorance” or advocate silence as a way of “not sinking down to their level”. But that’s a flawed philosophy, because it denies your daughter the space to feel hurt or angry or confused. It denies her the chance to stand up for herself, to fight back. We’re talking about racism here, not some petty misunderstanding from folks who “just don’t know better”. Teach your daughter that people shouldn’t say things like that to her. That she shouldn’t have to be made to feel bad about being Chinese or adopted, or both.

I’m still working on the best way to talk about these things. And the truth is, there probably isn’t any one thing you can do or say that will soothe the pain. But please, respond. And teach your daughter to respond. You wouldn’t teach her to tolerate sexist comments from kids on the playground, so why ignore racially motivated ones? It seems to me that because Asians are portrayed as the model-minority and put into a racial “grey area”, people are unsure about what it means to make fun of Asian characteristics. But let there be no doubt in your mind – jokes about slanted eyes, yellow skin, dog-eating, “ching chong” language or any of the other usual suspects are RACIST, and should be addressed as such.

I’m glad to hear that you’re educating yourself about how to deal with these things from adults. One thing I think is helpful is to know about Asian American History, as well as current events. Chinese Exclusion, Japanese Internment, Vincent Chin: they may have happened decades or a hundred years ago, but they still shape the ways that Asians are perceived, portrayed and treated. And things are still happening today that only prove how far we are yet to come.

Probably the hardest thing about growing up the only Asian kid in a white family, and one of three kids of color in my entire elementary school was that I had no role models, no one to look up to. In any sense. There were few Asian characters in TV, movies or books (and the ones that were there often relied heavily on stereotypes) and all of my teen magazines promoted a standard of beauty that I could never attain, simply by the nature of my skin tone, face shape, eye folds, hair color, etc. If a local/regional adoptee organization had some sort of mentorship program, I would definitely try to get involved. Even intermittent contact with an adoptee – someone who looks like you, someone who has been hurt in the same way, someone who is there to legitimize your daughter’s feelings on a level that you never will be able to to – could be extremely beneficial.

Whew. That was a mouthful. The bottom line is that this is hard. There’s a lot more I could have enumerated here. And it all adds up to a situation with the potential for your daughter to feel alone. But the most important thing is to keep an open line of communication about it. Support her. Defend her. Never question the way she feels – you aren’t living this, she is.

Dealing with questions like these are practically a daily event for me – even now in my mid-30s. Some days, depending on the person, the question and my mood, I take the time to talk and “educate”. Other days I simply give one word answers, like “no” (I don’t know who my “real” parents are) and leave it alone. But this is a luxury afforded to me as an adult. I had to go through a lot to get to this point and I can easily admit that some days I still come home exhausted and frustrated, not to mention amazed, by some people. For you as a parent, I think it’s vital that you are a constant advocate for your daughter (of course), but it’s even more vital when she is adopted and a different race than yourself and the rest of her family. She will feel  different and awkward in her own skin without any help from outside, ignorant forces (of which there are many). It’s up to you and the rest of your family to work against those forces.

From my experience, you can do this in any number of ways depending on the situation, such as humour, educating with facts, or simply stating that the information they are requesting is none of their business or doing things like asking them about their private history. There seems to be a natural inclination among people to ask inappropriate questions of adoptees and their families and this is not acceptable. I think ultimately, you should prepare rote answers to some questions so you can empower yourself, your daughter and the rest of your family. There will always be crazy questions out there that no one can prepare for, but if you have some prepared answers, it might help save you from punching someone out in the grocery store queue. She needs to have this language just as much as you do and so you need to take the time to talk with her about this keeping age appropriateness in mind. And no matter how you deal with each individual situation, it’s important that you talk it over each time to varying degrees so that she is able to express her feelings on some level about these times. When I was growing up and someone would ask me a stupid question or make a racial slur, I would answer to the best of my ability by giving some answer I had learned from my parents and siblings or by just walking away.  I usually felt strong for about 2 seconds. Later, without exception, I would cry, feeling alone, angry and confused.

So did the advice I just give work for me, you may ask! Well, yes, it did. But it’s a process – one that is never over. At different ages you and your daughter will experience different types of racism, stereotypes and questions and it’s important that you’re all prepared for them as best as possible. They will want to know how much she cost, comment that “they’re” such cute children, and wonder if she’s good at math or playing the piano. She will be objectified and the fetishized; she will be told how lucky it is that she like the “rest of them” all look so young even when they’re old.

It’s important to remember that “positive” racial stereotypes are still racism and can’t be tolerated. It’s not good enough to just have Asian friends, not tell or laugh at racist jokes, or live in diverse areas. To fight for your daughter’s rights is to also be an example – an advocate of justice and rights for all in both words and actions. Be inclusive in your advocacy and this is one of the best lessons your daughter will learn from you.