Thanks for asking this question – I think, for me, I really just need to clarify my earlier post. I do think it’s important that you do what you can on your end to facilitate a search for your child. You’re right – in 30 years it may prove very complicated. That may be just contact with the birth mother / family via a phone number. However, it could also mean becoming friendly with them on your own. And, by keeping the dialogue open with your child, you will be ready to help open doors. Of course, if you do develop a relationship with your child’s birth family it’s important that your child knows a little about this.

With regard to the domestic versus international adoptions: I believe that if, and that’s a big if, adoptions must be – then domestic is better than international. Of course there are a lot of pros and cons to each. However, a lot of the issues surrounding culture and identity with regard to international, transracial adoptions are minimized with domestic adoptions (transracial or not). I don’t know if they’re emotionally easier, but certainly the idea of searching, keeping your mother tongue (most of the time) and  understanding cultural backgrounds are easier to some extent. Adopting regionally helps keep another important human right – the right to know and live in the area of your birth. And as an added bonus for both of you, there also tends to be less “isn’t (s)he so lucky” and “how much did (s)he cost” sorts of comments, which is always a positive.

Here in Canada, most people adopt internationally because it’s faster and there’s more likelihood of getting an infant or toddler rather than by domestic adoptions where the wait is longer and the children older with more “problems”, not to mention image, trends, and the no less misguided need to feel like a humanitarian.

Domestic adoptions in Canada are a provincial / territorial responsibility and even further broken up into regions. So this obviously raises a lot of bureaucratic and organizational problems. It’s my understanding there is a lack of severe communication between regions making the process long and full of headaches and heartaches. That’s a major issue that needs to be addressed.

And while I can understand an Aparent’s desire to adopt an infant or very young child, it doesn’t mean that the adoption will be a smooth, happily ever after experience. Many adoptees have attachment and emotional issues, for example,  even when adopted as an infant. And not all older adoptees will be “delinquents” either. It’s a gamble we take no matter how you choose to become a parent – whether by giving birth, sperm donor, or domestic or international adoption. The most important thing is to have resources at your fingertips and a support system for all of you.

1) My name has part of my Korean name mixed with American. I like my name and feel comfortable with it. Growing up it would have been harder if I had my Korean name. For example, in my daughter’s class she has a boy with a Korean name. Some of the kids have a hard time pronouncing it and other make fun of it. I know it would have been hard for me growing up if they used my Korean name. What’s interesting to me now is how people expect me to have a more Asian sounding name vs. an American name. Many people are not only surprised when they first meet me and I don’t speak with an accent, but that my name is just JoLynn.

2) Interesting question…but I have no idea what my life would be like. People automatically assume that it would have been worse or horrible if I wasn’t adopted and brought to the US, but I’m not so sure. I mean who can really say? However, it also doesn’t mean I haven’t had a good life here with family & friends that love me. I do tend to think about having sisters & brothers out in the world and not being able to find them. I also recognize that I am missing a part of my culture…self that I cannot seem to recover.

1) As far as names go, I actually think it’s better to change them. Others are free to disagree with me, but, I think keeping one’s name is sort of a false promise. It’s saying “we’re not different” when really, you are. My parents (re)named me in the same sort of name they named my biological siblings. Yes, I get weird looks when people hear my name, or if they see it on paper first they try to make it sound “Asian” (Joo leeeeee?), but I just can’t say for sure what having my other name would have meant for me. I worry that it would have only further distanced me from the rest of my family or alienated me in school (I got teased enough for my “chinky” eyes, I can’t imagine having had a name that was equally mockable). I unofficially took my birth first name as my middle name when I was seven or eight (my parents never gave me a middle name so that I could always take my birth name) and I am legally adding my birth surname as my middle name. But these were decisions I came to on my own, identifying a part of my history that I wanted to make a part of me.

I think my concern is that having an ethnic-specific name would have been too much for me as a child. I was so lost in a world of whiteness, my own confusion about who and what I was, and dealing with near constant hassling from classmates, teachers, family friends and strangers. Having to carry the burden of a Korean name, having to live up to that, honor that, just might have added more to the mix than I could bear. It’s true that many adoptees change their names later in life, but again, this is their decision on their time, so I am interested in seeing what my fellow bloggers have to say about it.

2) I think this question ties me up in existential knots. I have no idea what life would have been like had I been adopted domestically, especially given Korean laws and regulations. But, at the same time, despite all the things I might have lacked – I would not have a huge void in my life when it came to my culture. I would still be missing parts of my history, but I could at least be grounded in knowing my people. Other things, like racism, ableism, heteronormativity, etc, would have been experienced differently, filtered through a lens of cultural upbringing and a sense of the conditions for all these things in Korea.

All I can say is that it would have been different. But at the same time, this question is sort of beside the point. There are conditions, circumstances, histories and legacies that contribute to the way that transracial adoption is run, there are conditions, circumstances, histories and legacies that contribute to the way TRAs experience their adoption. This question of “better” or “worse” is what leads people to think that they are “saving” a child. That sort of attitude is never a positive contribution to one’s childhood.

Actually, two questions, coming to us from Tracey:

1.  How do you feel about adoptive parents changing your names?  Would it have been meaningful in any way to you to have kept your original names or some form of them?  Any thoughts on this subject?

2.  Do you think your adoption experience would have been any less traumatic if you had been raised in your birth country?  I realize you won´t know the answer to this 100% because you didn´t live this experience but I am still interested in your thoughts and perspectives.

This is an excellent question. I was also the only adopted child in my immediate family although I had two cousins who were also adopted (1 transracially, but both were domestic adoptions and whose family lived far away in a large multicultural city). I have an older brother and sister (10 and 6 years my senior respectively). I often felt they were my like my second set of parents rather than siblings, which wasn’t always an easy emotional road for any of us. Luckily, however, I still grew up feeling close to my siblings, rather than distanced.

That said, I think it would have been absolutely wonderful to have had another brother or sister closer to my age who was adopted. I don’t think it would have mattered if he / she was from the same culture or not. The mere fact of having someone else who was also different, not just in my own family, but also my own community would have been a tremendous comfort. It would helped me feel less alone, less of a freak. Not to mention that it would have helped to divert some of that dreaded attention I had (as all transracially adopted children have) onto someone else for better or worse.

So, yes, if you can manage, emotionally and financially, to adopt again,  I would definitely suggest it but I don’t think adopting from the same cultural and / or ethnic background is essential.