I think it’s important to remember that most of the time young kids just want to know why the other person looks different. Kids usually don’t need long drawn out answers…just a basic explanation. Growing up I was called names and rude questions were asked, but I always seemed to handle it. My mom taught me to stand up for myself & have a basic answer ready, but also to be careful not to assume someone was being racist until I knew true intentions.

In my own experience…people are curious because 5′8 1/2 & Korean. I still get asked (about once a month) where I’m originally from etc. For me…part of this whole experience is being comfortable in my own skin so to speak…so when strangers stop and ask me questions about why I’m so tall or why my skin is so light for being Korean…I just say the truth.  Granted…if I’m really annoyed then sometimes my answer isn’t as patient.  However, in my experience I’ve learned many of the people were not intending to be rude.  So…I tend to look at it more like a chance to educate them.

When kids are young…I believe education is the key. For example, my daughter always has some type of “cultural celebration” each year in school. This gives me a chance to go into her classroom and teach the kids about Korea. This has been extremely successful each year and has helped K. be proud of her heritage, which I give equal time to teach about Germany…K’s part German.

Hi everyone.

Sorry for the delay in my blog posts. School has started here, and it’s taken me a little while to get settled. But, I should be back on track now.

Our next question:

My daughter was born in China and was adopted by my husband and myself at 11 1/2 months.  She has been part of our family for almost 2 years now.

I have been trying to educated myself on dealing with ignorant questions from adults and her peer group as she gets into the school system.  However, I have been getting questions from very young children, and I am really caught off guard by this.  I know children are young and want to learn, but I do not want to hurt my daughter’s feelings by answering questions in front of her, so I am looking for advice.

Two situations:
1.  A 5 year old girl was playing with my daughter at the park, and while she was pushing her in the swing, she looked at me and asked where did I live.  After I told her, she asked where my daughter lived.  I explained with me that she was my daughter.  She did not understand how we did not look alike or what adoption was.  I did the best I could to answer questions about adoption, but I have to admit this made me a little uncomfortable talking about this in front of my daughter.  How do you answer innocent questions without hurting your daughter or talking about her life so matter of factly?
2.  A 7 yr old boy was playing with my daughter.  He looked at her and then at us, and said to her “hey, you look Chinese”.  She looked right back at him and said “I AM”, and kept right on talking to him and playing with him until he left.  I asked if she had any questions or wanted to talk about anything, and she said “No Mama”.  Although I was very proud of her, I also could see that she was  troubled by this type of question coming out of the blue.

I realize that there are always going to be ignorant questions, I just did not think an almost 3yo would have to deal with them so early.

Any advice for how to handle children’s as well as adult’s questions would be apprecaited.  Also, I would love to hear some of your “pat” answers to these types of questions.

I totally agree with the comments left by Juli & Heather and only have a bit to add.  I also had my set answers that were taught to me by my parents.  To this day…people ask really intrusive & rude questions about my family.  Questions I would never dream of asking them, but they still continue to ask me.  I do have my “blanket” answers.  I have to laugh at one of the examples Juli gave about being asked about “being married to your husband” because it happens to me & my dad when we go out alone!

I believe it’s imperative as adoptive parents to help your child through all the questions & learn to speak up for them when needed.  They will learn through your example & how you decide to handle each situation.  You really do become a sort of advocate for your child. Racism should never be tolerated & must be addressed.

This is sort of the question that has plagued my childhood life. People will ask all sorts of obnoxious questions and assume that they’re entitled to an answer just because you’re adopted, young, a person of color, etc. This is a complex issue, and while I encourage you to view it holistically, I am going to focus on the racial issues at work.

I really do believe that race is at work here. Not being a domestic, non-transracial adoptee, I can’t know for sure what it’s like, or what the specific difficulties they face are. But I will say, that when you look “foreign”, you’re already at an automatic disadvantage. There’s a lot less sensitivity. People will tell you how “backwards” your birth nation is, relate some details of infanticide they picked up from a Barbara Walters special and then start to interrogate you about everything from your abandonment to language ability to finding your birth mother to my personal favorite, “aren’t you lucky to be chosen like that?”

Moments like these have the potential as great “teaching moments”. However, I know that personally, I rarely have the stamina. And furthermore, it’s hard to start these conversations without some sort of ally. That’s where you come in.

You daughter needs to learn early on that this kind of questioning is not okay. Otherwise in ten years she’ll end up in tears while her fourth grade teacher publicly drills her about why she was abandoned, whether or not she wants to find her birth mother and if she feels any different from her siblings. And, she won’t tell you about it after the fact, because you’ve never given her any indication that it’s okay to be upset by questions like that. True story.

You need to learn to be an anti-racist parent. That means a lot of self-education, and not being afraid to tell people off the truth.

You have to be ready for the worst. When she hits her teen years, and you’re not around, people will ask her if she’s married to your husband. People will comment on her “chinky” eyes. They will stereotype, exoticize and fetishize her in every way possible. People will accuse her of things, people will assume things about her. And you have to stand up for her – even when it’s hard. Even when it’s a neighbor, a family member, a co-worker. You have to make people realize that racism is not acceptable, and that they can’t get away with talking about your daughter or people who look like her that way.

Of course, these things are insidious, and unavoidable. They leave wounds that only time will heal. Your love and support is important – but I know that for myself, it wasn’t until I was able to relate these experiences to people who had also lived them that I was able to properly see them as instances of racism, and realize that I was not to blame.

I’m trying to come up with some good resources for aparents related to anti-racism. There will be a link appearing soon, I have a lot of reading ahead of me.

Our next question comes to us from Susan:

My husband and I have a beautiful and intelligent 3 year old daughter from China. We brought her home at 13 months old. Even before we brought her home, the questions from strangers began and has only gotten more frequent, intrusive, and demanding. “Why China? Why not the US? Why do you want one of those babies, you know what they grow up to be like don’t you? What is her nationality? Where are her real parents? Why didn’t they want her? Don’t they kill girls in China? Do they not love their babies in China? Is she one of those foreign babies? Where is she from? Does she speak Chinese or English?” These are just some of the questions I hear on a daily basis. I know there are many people who mean well when they ask questions. I love it when a grandparent comes up to me and whispers “Is she from China?” When I say yes, they tell me their grand child is from China(or another country)also and we talk for a few minutes. I don’t mind when someone asks me what agency we used because they are interested in adoption as well. I will give them my email and our agencies name. I don’t like it when people ask me stupid questions especially in front of my daughter.

So my questions are, do you have any advice on how to handle this especially when my daughter is present? Did this happen to you as a child? How did your parents handle it and do you wish they had handled it differently? A total stranger has no right to any information about my child’s past. My daughter doesn’t even know her history yet so why should I inform a total stranger of anything? They feel like they are entitled to an answer just because they asked. I am committed to doing everything I can to help my daughter. I want to show her how to handle these type situations when she is older and being pressed for information she shouldn’t have been asked for in the first place. Thanks so much for taking my question.