This is a tricky question. There are a million factors that make everyone’s situation unique. I think it’s important to remember that the ultimate choice about contact is between your child and her birth mother. Respecting the birth mother’s desires and privacy are of the utmost importance. Small measures, like putting a letter in your daughter’s file are probably benign, but leaving something for her at the place she stayed feels uncomfortable to me. You don’t want her to feel pursued or haunted.

For me personally, I struggle with the decision about doing a search. On some level, I think I’m afraid of bringing pain back into her life, and I’m also afraid of being judged by her. I’ve heard stories on both ends of the spectrum about birth parent searches, so my anxiety is well founded. My parents are pretty indifferent – I think they figure that I am an adult, and once I make my decision there won’t be much they can do about it. I don’t really remember ever having a desire to find my birth mother in my childhood, so I can’t say whether or not they were supportive.

I do, however, think that I will eventually do a search because I am really desperate to know if I have half-siblings. I’m the youngest in my adoptive family, so I think it would be great to be the older, wiser sibling to someone. I almost wish that I could find my siblings without having to find my birth mother. There are some things there that I’m just not ready to unbury.

I think you have to let contact/birth mother searches generate naturally. I think there is something about the search process (which can be long and arduous) that prepares you for the emotional rollercoaster of actually finding your birth family. I almost want to say that it’s better that way. I mean, if the first time your daughter has an inkling of wanting to find her mother you whip out a letter from her, it might be too much too soon. I know it doesn’t intuitively make sense, but it’s just something I feel in my gut.

Another thing to keep in mind is that I’ve had some friends who had really great experiences finding their foster mothers, which I’m told is an easier process anyway. For me, I feel a stronger connection to my foster mother than i do to my birth mother and would be really interested in meeting her.