Question 6: Juli

I’m sorry this is late! Classes start next week, so I’ve been very busy at work, plus organizing meetings and retreats!

Anyway, in response: I don’t really have much to add. I think that as we’ve said before, this is a journey. And everyone’s experience is different. It can’t be forced, and in particular, it is not your place as parent to push anyone. If they approach you, you can be a facilitator, but until then, keep your distance and respect their process.

I know that for me personally, the first thing everyone asks me is do I want to search. My whole life, as long as I can remember, even as a very young child – everyone asked, did I want to find my birth mother. And of course, they never wanted my real answer, which is as long, complicated and emotional as the process itself. They just wanted to hear: “No, these are my only/real/true parents, and that’s all I’ll ever need, blah blah blah.” Or something equally…misguided. So for much of my youth, I wanted nothing to do with the question of searching, because if I actually thought about it, I might actually have to give someone a straight answer. And I might not be ready for that.

I still don’t know whether or not I’ll ever do it. Lately, I’ve been getting curious, mostly about half-siblings, but I still have more concerns, fears and anxieties than I do curiosity. It may happen some day, but it also may not. It’s not a question of being “ready” for the search, so much as whether or not searching is “right” for me. I don’t think the final goal is a search. It doesn’t mean you’re any more “advanced” than adoptees who choose not to search. So, don’t sit around waiting for your kids to want to search. It may never happen – and that’s totally fine

Question #6: JoLynn

For my own experience…my search didn’t begin with my parents initiating that conversation. However, I always knew that was an option open to me & they’d be supportive. They never pushed and I am glad they didn’t. I think I would have felt strange and uncomfortable if they kept bring up that possibility. As you might have read…this year I finally did decide to conduct a search, but I’m in my thirties. It took me a LONG time to come to that decision and it wasn’t easy. I personally view my adoptive parents as my parents and it has taken me a while to sort of wrap my brain around the idea that I have this other mother that for whatever reason couldn’t/didn’t want me. I…personally have appreciated the space my parents have given me in allowing me to decide when/what/and if I even wanted to do a search.

Question #6: Heather

I think it’s great that you’re encouraging your kids to search. That’s not an easy thing to do and I hope that some day the birth mother you found will be open to a relationship some day. As for the other child, I wouldn’t push. If your close relationship continues into adulthood then he / she will know that you are supportive of whatever they choose. Finding birth parents is good for some kids but maybe not for others and it all happens at different times in our lives because we’re all unique. Nobody likes to be pushed or feel pressured into something even if it is for positive reasons. You can tell them that you will support their decisions now and in the future, no matter what, and that will be remembered, I’m sure.

Question #6

Margie asks:

My children are both from Korea and are now teens.  Our son is in college and our daughter is a senior in high school.  We have a close and open relationship is very open, so discussions of first family, search, and reunion have always been a part of our family.  My husband and I have encouraged our kids to search, have found one of our children’s mothers, although contact has been rejected at this time.  One of our children, however, has had no interest in search, and has been resistant to encouragement.  My question is this:  Do you believe that adoptive parents should step entirely away from the subject of search when their children reach adulthood, or should we continue to bring it up in discussion from time to time?  I worry that if we stop talking about our children’s first families with them that they might think we no longer support them in search.  On the other hand, I worry that voicing our opinions might be an intrusion.  Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this.

Question #5: JoLynn

1) My name has part of my Korean name mixed with American. I like my name and feel comfortable with it. Growing up it would have been harder if I had my Korean name. For example, in my daughter’s class she has a boy with a Korean name. Some of the kids have a hard time pronouncing it and other make fun of it. I know it would have been hard for me growing up if they used my Korean name. What’s interesting to me now is how people expect me to have a more Asian sounding name vs. an American name. Many people are not only surprised when they first meet me and I don’t speak with an accent, but that my name is just JoLynn.

2) Interesting question…but I have no idea what my life would be like. People automatically assume that it would have been worse or horrible if I wasn’t adopted and brought to the US, but I’m not so sure. I mean who can really say? However, it also doesn’t mean I haven’t had a good life here with family & friends that love me. I do tend to think about having sisters & brothers out in the world and not being able to find them. I also recognize that I am missing a part of my culture…self that I cannot seem to recover.

Question #5: Heather

The question of names is a good one. I believe that what my parents did, along with many others, is the right choice. My middle name is a Vietnamese name while my first name reflects my afamily / region. However, it is definitely one of those things I battled growing up – and to this day, really. It is a constant source of explaining. “You don’t look like a Heather”, “I always thought your name was the funniest thing” etc. get a little tiresome after a while I must admit. But then, would a Vietnamese name in a white family also have been funny? Most definitely.

So, while my middle name is Vietnamese it is also a family name, which doesn’t give me the option of a first name,  and that is a little disappointing.

In summary, I think the best thing you can do is offer your child a choice. Give them two names to represent their two cultures and that way they can choose which is most appropriate at various times in their lives without making legal changes.

As for question #2, it really is close to impossible for me to give an answer here. I think adoption is difficult no matter what the situation or geographic location. In my situation, though I don’t agree with international adoption, I am sure that staying in post war Viet Nam  wouldn’t have been a positive experience for me. I am mixed race and the country’s orphans didn’t fare well. Perhaps had I been adopted into a family there it would have been different, but children of my circumstance were called “the dust of life” and as such were no better than the filth one finds on the bottom of one’s shoe. But given different circumstances, I think it is always better to stay and be part of one’s own history and culture and language – all things that were stripped from me.

Question #5: Juli

1) As far as names go, I actually think it’s better to change them. Others are free to disagree with me, but, I think keeping one’s name is sort of a false promise. It’s saying “we’re not different” when really, you are. My parents (re)named me in the same sort of name they named my biological siblings. Yes, I get weird looks when people hear my name, or if they see it on paper first they try to make it sound “Asian” (Joo leeeeee?), but I just can’t say for sure what having my other name would have meant for me. I worry that it would have only further distanced me from the rest of my family or alienated me in school (I got teased enough for my “chinky” eyes, I can’t imagine having had a name that was equally mockable). I unofficially took my birth first name as my middle name when I was seven or eight (my parents never gave me a middle name so that I could always take my birth name) and I am legally adding my birth surname as my middle name. But these were decisions I came to on my own, identifying a part of my history that I wanted to make a part of me.

I think my concern is that having an ethnic-specific name would have been too much for me as a child. I was so lost in a world of whiteness, my own confusion about who and what I was, and dealing with near constant hassling from classmates, teachers, family friends and strangers. Having to carry the burden of a Korean name, having to live up to that, honor that, just might have added more to the mix than I could bear. It’s true that many adoptees change their names later in life, but again, this is their decision on their time, so I am interested in seeing what my fellow bloggers have to say about it.

2) I think this question ties me up in existential knots. I have no idea what life would have been like had I been adopted domestically, especially given Korean laws and regulations. But, at the same time, despite all the things I might have lacked – I would not have a huge void in my life when it came to my culture. I would still be missing parts of my history, but I could at least be grounded in knowing my people. Other things, like racism, ableism, heteronormativity, etc, would have been experienced differently, filtered through a lens of cultural upbringing and a sense of the conditions for all these things in Korea.

All I can say is that it would have been different. But at the same time, this question is sort of beside the point. There are conditions, circumstances, histories and legacies that contribute to the way that transracial adoption is run, there are conditions, circumstances, histories and legacies that contribute to the way TRAs experience their adoption. This question of “better” or “worse” is what leads people to think that they are “saving” a child. That sort of attitude is never a positive contribution to one’s childhood.

Question #5:

Actually, two questions, coming to us from Tracey:

1.  How do you feel about adoptive parents changing your names?  Would it have been meaningful in any way to you to have kept your original names or some form of them?  Any thoughts on this subject?

2.  Do you think your adoption experience would have been any less traumatic if you had been raised in your birth country?  I realize you won´t know the answer to this 100% because you didn´t live this experience but I am still interested in your thoughts and perspectives.

Question #4: JoLynn

I totally agree with the comments left by Juli & Heather and only have a bit to add.  I also had my set answers that were taught to me by my parents.  To this day…people ask really intrusive & rude questions about my family.  Questions I would never dream of asking them, but they still continue to ask me.  I do have my “blanket” answers.  I have to laugh at one of the examples Juli gave about being asked about “being married to your husband” because it happens to me & my dad when we go out alone!

I believe it’s imperative as adoptive parents to help your child through all the questions & learn to speak up for them when needed.  They will learn through your example & how you decide to handle each situation.  You really do become a sort of advocate for your child. Racism should never be tolerated & must be addressed.

Question #4: Heather

Dealing with questions like these are practically a daily event for me – even now in my mid-30s. Some days, depending on the person, the question and my mood, I take the time to talk and “educate”. Other days I simply give one word answers, like “no” (I don’t know who my “real” parents are) and leave it alone. But this is a luxury afforded to me as an adult. I had to go through a lot to get to this point and I can easily admit that some days I still come home exhausted and frustrated, not to mention amazed, by some people. For you as a parent, I think it’s vital that you are a constant advocate for your daughter (of course), but it’s even more vital when she is adopted and a different race than yourself and the rest of her family. She will feel  different and awkward in her own skin without any help from outside, ignorant forces (of which there are many). It’s up to you and the rest of your family to work against those forces.

From my experience, you can do this in any number of ways depending on the situation, such as humour, educating with facts, or simply stating that the information they are requesting is none of their business or doing things like asking them about their private history. There seems to be a natural inclination among people to ask inappropriate questions of adoptees and their families and this is not acceptable. I think ultimately, you should prepare rote answers to some questions so you can empower yourself, your daughter and the rest of your family. There will always be crazy questions out there that no one can prepare for, but if you have some prepared answers, it might help save you from punching someone out in the grocery store queue. She needs to have this language just as much as you do and so you need to take the time to talk with her about this keeping age appropriateness in mind. And no matter how you deal with each individual situation, it’s important that you talk it over each time to varying degrees so that she is able to express her feelings on some level about these times. When I was growing up and someone would ask me a stupid question or make a racial slur, I would answer to the best of my ability by giving some answer I had learned from my parents and siblings or by just walking away.  I usually felt strong for about 2 seconds. Later, without exception, I would cry, feeling alone, angry and confused.

So did the advice I just give work for me, you may ask! Well, yes, it did. But it’s a process – one that is never over. At different ages you and your daughter will experience different types of racism, stereotypes and questions and it’s important that you’re all prepared for them as best as possible. They will want to know how much she cost, comment that “they’re” such cute children, and wonder if she’s good at math or playing the piano. She will be objectified and the fetishized; she will be told how lucky it is that she like the “rest of them” all look so young even when they’re old.

It’s important to remember that “positive” racial stereotypes are still racism and can’t be tolerated. It’s not good enough to just have Asian friends, not tell or laugh at racist jokes, or live in diverse areas. To fight for your daughter’s rights is to also be an example – an advocate of justice and rights for all in both words and actions. Be inclusive in your advocacy and this is one of the best lessons your daughter will learn from you.