Hello!

Sorry for the very extended hiatus. Life’s been busy!

Have a happy holiday, and we’ll be back in the New Year with a new format, so stay posted.

First, let me apologize for taking so long to respond. It’s been a very busy month.

I wish I could give you a straightforward answer to this question, but it’s so difficult. We’re all different and how we respond to these situations – externally and internally – is also very unique. As a child, whenever I got hit with this type of question or comment, I generally gave some answer my parents and siblings helped me with. Honestly, I didn’t always understand what exactly it was I was saying or why, but I can tell you that each time I was asked about why I was different – why I didn’t have the same skin colour as my parents or my siblings; where did I come from; who are my real parents blah blah blah ad nauseam… I felt like my entire soul had shattered. I walked away with my head held as high as possible, but inside my jello legs could barely carry me somewhere I felt safe.

Your child needs to be shown by example how to respond. When you stand up for your child, she will learn to stand up for herself and feel empowered. She should also know it’s OK not to respond to these stupid questions. There is never an obligation to respond to these types of questions. Even as an adult, I get this all of the time – where are you from orginally; do you speak Vietnamese; do you have any family in Vietnam; do you want to try to find them etc. and I often answer each question as honestly and openly as possible and I feel good about it. However, there are days when I answer as I always do and feel later that I shouldn’t have. Their ’simple’ questions are emotionally draining for me. I have to learn to take my own advice and walk away – figuratively or literally – when I don’t feel up to talking about it.

In closing, I think it’s vital to inform the person – child or adult – that their question is not appropriate and is not acceptable whether or not you decide to answer them. How do we do this?  I guess we can just say something like “that question is in appropriate” or “that’s private” or “I don’t care to discuss it right now” or even respond by asking them something just as personal to make a point. So, yes… I think the most important thing is to be able to recognize within yourself and by taking cues from your child when you want to share and when you need to walk away.

Thanks for asking this question – I think, for me, I really just need to clarify my earlier post. I do think it’s important that you do what you can on your end to facilitate a search for your child. You’re right – in 30 years it may prove very complicated. That may be just contact with the birth mother / family via a phone number. However, it could also mean becoming friendly with them on your own. And, by keeping the dialogue open with your child, you will be ready to help open doors. Of course, if you do develop a relationship with your child’s birth family it’s important that your child knows a little about this.

With regard to the domestic versus international adoptions: I believe that if, and that’s a big if, adoptions must be – then domestic is better than international. Of course there are a lot of pros and cons to each. However, a lot of the issues surrounding culture and identity with regard to international, transracial adoptions are minimized with domestic adoptions (transracial or not). I don’t know if they’re emotionally easier, but certainly the idea of searching, keeping your mother tongue (most of the time) and  understanding cultural backgrounds are easier to some extent. Adopting regionally helps keep another important human right – the right to know and live in the area of your birth. And as an added bonus for both of you, there also tends to be less “isn’t (s)he so lucky” and “how much did (s)he cost” sorts of comments, which is always a positive.

Here in Canada, most people adopt internationally because it’s faster and there’s more likelihood of getting an infant or toddler rather than by domestic adoptions where the wait is longer and the children older with more “problems”, not to mention image, trends, and the no less misguided need to feel like a humanitarian.

Domestic adoptions in Canada are a provincial / territorial responsibility and even further broken up into regions. So this obviously raises a lot of bureaucratic and organizational problems. It’s my understanding there is a lack of severe communication between regions making the process long and full of headaches and heartaches. That’s a major issue that needs to be addressed.

And while I can understand an Aparent’s desire to adopt an infant or very young child, it doesn’t mean that the adoption will be a smooth, happily ever after experience. Many adoptees have attachment and emotional issues, for example,  even when adopted as an infant. And not all older adoptees will be “delinquents” either. It’s a gamble we take no matter how you choose to become a parent – whether by giving birth, sperm donor, or domestic or international adoption. The most important thing is to have resources at your fingertips and a support system for all of you.

I think it’s great that you’re encouraging your kids to search. That’s not an easy thing to do and I hope that some day the birth mother you found will be open to a relationship some day. As for the other child, I wouldn’t push. If your close relationship continues into adulthood then he / she will know that you are supportive of whatever they choose. Finding birth parents is good for some kids but maybe not for others and it all happens at different times in our lives because we’re all unique. Nobody likes to be pushed or feel pressured into something even if it is for positive reasons. You can tell them that you will support their decisions now and in the future, no matter what, and that will be remembered, I’m sure.

1) My name has part of my Korean name mixed with American. I like my name and feel comfortable with it. Growing up it would have been harder if I had my Korean name. For example, in my daughter’s class she has a boy with a Korean name. Some of the kids have a hard time pronouncing it and other make fun of it. I know it would have been hard for me growing up if they used my Korean name. What’s interesting to me now is how people expect me to have a more Asian sounding name vs. an American name. Many people are not only surprised when they first meet me and I don’t speak with an accent, but that my name is just JoLynn.

2) Interesting question…but I have no idea what my life would be like. People automatically assume that it would have been worse or horrible if I wasn’t adopted and brought to the US, but I’m not so sure. I mean who can really say? However, it also doesn’t mean I haven’t had a good life here with family & friends that love me. I do tend to think about having sisters & brothers out in the world and not being able to find them. I also recognize that I am missing a part of my culture…self that I cannot seem to recover.

I think it’s admirable and brave of you to want your daughter to have an open relationship with her birth mother. Many aparents can’t fathom such a move. It takes a lot of guts. I like your idea of leaving a letter and perhaps keeping your information as updated as possible with various organizations over the years so that your daughter and her birth mother can search when they’re ready. I don’t think it’s your place to push anything here. It’s really not up to you. As difficult as it may seem, it really is your daughter’s choice even if she waits until she’s in her 30s – which does seem to be when a lot of adoptees begin to search if at all.

For me, looking back…sure, I would have loved a relationship with my birth mother, but that’s in hindsight only. But then again, I probably would chose not to have been adopted, either, but that is just one thing in life we have no control over. I think at the time, it would have been very confusing – but ultimately very rewarding. This is a question I get constantly – “Do you know your real mother? Do you ever want to find your real mother” etc. Well, sure, I’d love to know my birth family, but each day gets easier for me to accept that this is possibly an unsurmountable task and I guess I’d rather learn to accept that and be happy in the life that I have rather than set myself up for huge disappointment.

That said, this is how I feel today. Tomorrow may very well be a completely story, especially as my “birth day” nears I have a great sense of loss and many questions that I’d love to air with my birth mother. Of course, then again, I think it’s better just to let my imagination rule my reality with this.

And all that is precisely why this has to be a decision for your daughter.