The question of abandonment continues to be one of the biggest things I have had to deal with in my life. The whys, the pain, the hurt, the loss and the effects are limitless.
In my case, I was born during a war. I remember knowing as far back as I can remember that there was a war and that was “why” I was now living in Canada with my adoptive family and not with my biological one. It all made logical sense, but I could not accept it in my heart. I was raised within a family and society that to the best of my knowledge at the time believe that children are the greatest gift to an adult and that war is “bad”. Of course it is much later that I can begin to piece together the complexities of such statements.
But, if I continue to accept that simple statement of how precious a life is, it can only lead to one question for me as an orphan: If I was such a wonderful gift why was it so seemingly easy to leave me near a garbage can or a market corner? This is something that goes deep into self esteem issues and has affected me in all areas of my life from my relationships – familial, friendship, romantic – right on up to my academic life and how I perform at work.
The notion of abandonment affects each of us differently, I’m sure. I’m still discovering interesting and frustrating ways it has affected me. As a child I was very angry and had some attachment issues (though I really only understand that later in life). I took great offence when I was seemingly left out of a discussion or a decision or a lunch that someone had made even though I didn’t like the lunch and was given something else. I didn’t do my best at school because I believed I wasn’t smart. I was bullied at school so as a result also bullied others. I went through many years of depression. I learned how to control my emotions to the point of having no emotion.
All of this I can recognize now as being a result of the pain and loss of a life I never knew, but it has taken years to recognize and reverse. Old habits die hard.
I am almost 34 years old and can still pinpoint its adverse affects on me.For example, I still have to work daily on my self esteem and like when I was a child, I absolutely hate being left alone. I don’t mind being alone if I have chosen to be, but to not be given the choice can send me into a panic mode. I get frantic. Logically I know the reason, but deep inside me there is a fear I cannot control easily.
For me, it was important to understand the conditions which led to my birth and abandonment. In my case that was war and aggression and everything that involves. Whatever the situation surrounding your children’s adoption – war, political, environmental, sociological, economical, religious – these are big issues to deal with and for me as an orphan they are issues that aren’t just external but very much a personal issue. These are things that take a long time not only to process, but to understand and ultimately try to accept – accept that I am not to blame for my set of circumstances.
All that to say, I think your concern over your child’s reaction to his abandonment is justified. Of course a child can only process so much at certain ages. I think it’s wise for you to seek professional help with your son. He does deserve to know the truth – absoultely. But he needs to know what he can handle at a given time. A child psychologist or therapist can help you determine what to tell him when in terms of his mental health and his cognitive development. It’s a path you need to tread carefully – knowing when to shelter and when to reveal; knowing when to hold on and when to release. Again, I think that with the help of a therapist of some sort and by letting your son’s reactions guide you the right decisions can be made.
On the other hand, don’t wait too long to give him some understanding and some language of his own because once school begins he will need that language and fortitude to counter his classmates’ (oft ill-guided) comments and answer their (oft far-too-blunt) questions. Even if he doesn’t understand everything, he can repeat it and eventually, hopefully, accept its truths.
3 Comments
May 31, 2008 at 5:46 pm
“I absolutely hate being left alone. I don’t mind being alone if I have chosen to be, but to not be given the choice can send me into a panic mode. I get frantic. Logically I know the reason, but deep inside me there is a fear I cannot control easily.”
Your statement here chilled me. It is my four year- old, adopted from China completely. People think I am over reacting when I mention her abandonment as a possible cause.
There is a lot of pressure on adoptive parents, everyone thinks you are overly sensitive about things. I just don’t want to be insensitive, I really don’t want to be that.
Take care, and thank you for being available.
June 2, 2008 at 9:13 am
It took me years to understand why I feel the way I do in these (and many other) situations. I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive or over reacting. Adoptive children have many deep, difficult to articulate feelings and how they manifest is important to be able to recognize.
Good luck!
June 3, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Thank you so much for helping me understand the issues my children will likely face.